Thursday, August 9, 2007

New Agey Music and Actual Personal Growth

I wrote an entire ranting post about this week at work, and saved it rather than posting it right away. And I reread it tonight, and realized that I may actually be Growing and Changing here. Because after I came home and ranted on Tuesday and didn't post I went to work Wednesday and today, and I took a different approach to the endless bullshit. I evaluated each Crisis, and looked to see if anyone else was able to step up and fix it if I just kept my mouth shut. I shut down that Good Little Do-Bee part of my brain, the part that says I Should Make This Better, because I was raised to be an approval seeking teacher's pet good girl. And I am through with that shit.

And you know what? Other people got it done. The crisis got averted, the thing got fixed, and there are other people capable of stepping up, and I need to remember that and remind my dear, as neurotic as I am Boss that we do not have to carry the weight for everyone. This is the legacy of the boss that hired me, she is a good person but her neuroses became the departmental mission statement - she created the perception that we carried the entire damn company on our backs, and it's mighty damn heavy. She was a control freak and an enabler of those who didn't want to carry any of the weight, or were just too dumb to carry it - "Oh, we'll do that." The reality is that while few of our employees would get into the door at a Mensa meeting, there are enough smart people who know their own jobs, we don't have to help, just step back.

Catherine politely refuses to carry anybody old enough to walk. And my sweet stressed neurotic boss is going to have to adjust to this, or I'm leaving sooner rather than later. And that is how I'm going to operate from here on - I will do only that which is truly my responsibility, and I will not get pressured, guilted or otherwise manipulated into doing other people's jobs for them. I will work as part of a team, I will not take it onto myself. And if that's not good enough, they can effing fire me, but I don't think they will do that. But I don't much care if they do.

Major Subject Change: I've been meaning to mention this Product Endorsement - I was always very skeptical about claims that a particular kind of music would help me sleep, or otherwise make me feel better, but I have had so many insomnia nights, I tried CDs by Steven Halpern. Even on my cheesy little clock radio/CD player they sound lovely, and I have to admit that they are working. And here is the most objective endorsement - I noticed that the dogs like them too. Dudley is usually a live wire in the evenings, he's napped all day and when I'm tired and ready to sleep he's still in play mode and some nights he has a hard time unwinding, which means I can't settle down either. And since I've been listening to this music both dogs have gotten into it too. I can say, "Let's get in bed and listen to our sleepy music," and Dudley throws himself into the bed next to me and snuggles down with a happy sigh. Both dogs are snoring before the first track ends. I've never actually heard the entire CD, I'm always asleep by the third track, but the parts I do hear are very good.

Knitterly talk - I am Between Projects, except for socks, and if Sock Yarn Doesn't Count, then Socks Don't Count either. I am not really between projects, I still have that big purple sweater, miles and miles of stockinette, which has been marinating for many weeks. The funny thing is, I have an urge to drag it out and knit a few more inches. I'm almost to the underarms. And I'm in the mood for a few miles of soothing stockinette. It'll be good for my blood pressure.

Oh, back to the office for a moment because I forgot to mention this - I work with an accountant who is very trim and fit and 35. She is going to the doctor about her health issues, and one of them is her blood pressure, which is exactly the same as mine. Same numbers. How freaking weird is that? She's 14 years younger than me and as fit as I was at 35, and her blood pressure is up too. What is it about this job?

Meanwhile, I am counting down to vacation. I can't afford a real one, so I'm going to my son's again, not that this is a hardship, because I adore it there. I am going to spend an entire week in Asheville, end of September, first week of October, I haven't decided. I do not expect my son to entertain me, I will bring books, my laptop, my camera, and yarn, and buy more yarn while I'm there, and spend my days hanging out, driving the Blue Ridge Parkway in Baby, taking pictures, and resting my abused brain. I talked to Boy today, told him that he isn't going to be expected to entertain me this time, I just want a place to lay my air mattress. I'll come home all refreshed and ready to put the house on the market.


Jan B. said...

Working in the office is the same as raising kids. If you do everything for 'em, they won't learn to do anything themselves. Simple as that. Your blood pressure might go up while you worry about whether or not they'll do it right, though! :-)

Catherine said...

I never did everything for my kids because I wanted to raise independent, functional people, but I didn't have anyone over me setting the tone for my mothering, like we had for this department. The We Have to Do This for Them, They Can't Handle It mindset wasn't set by me, everybody fell into the mindset that We were the Fixers, and it has been two years it's time to put an end to this. My kids are competent functional adults, they weren't raised by Helicopter Parents. I wish I could say that for everyone in the workplace.

Aunt Sue said...

You won't need Boy to entertain you on Vacay. The mountains will do it by theyselves. Take care.

Aunt Sue said...

OOps it's me Sue Woo. That's the name I use to write comments on the nephew's Iraq blog!

geogrrl said...

That all sounds like a fine idea, and you've learned a little about yourself, which is always a good thing.

I was listening to part of Wayne Dyer tonight, thinking, "I know that." "Yes, I figured that out some time ago." and so on.

Some was new to me, but not much.

Catherine said...

Knowing it and putting it into action are two different things. I've known for years that I am too much of a "good girl" at work - not outside work, but at work, I tend to be too agreeable, and when I'm working for a boss who is the same way, you end up with a department that is there to serve everyone, which is really not our function. It won't be easy to resist that pressure to "take care of it," but I didn't even do this with my kids so I resent doing it for adults. And instead of eating myself up with resentment about my job, I'm just not going to do it.

ellen said...

Visiting with my mother this spring I realized that the key to everything we learn the hard way is simple. You Don't Have To Put Up With That. Easy to say, hard to do. You're ten years ahead of me with the realization. May you put it to good use.

Ginnie said...

Which of the Steven Halpern CD's do you have? I have nearly every sleep CD known to man, because I don't go to sleep easily, and none of them is that great. I have tried ones for babies, too. My favorite one of those is called Bore your baby to sleep, which I think is very funny. Anyway, I would be interested to know which one you like.

Catherine said...

Ginnie, I like Inner Peace and Effortless Relaxation the best. I've tried a couple of others, but the ones that are designated as "sleep CDs" tend to have less appealing, kinda weird music. Effortless Relaxation is just plain pretty, and Dudley gave it his stamp of approval again last night - he sighs with contentment when he hears it, and is out like a light. I was motivated to order more titles, and I'll report on their effect, on me and the dogs.