Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Today's Horoscope

A goal that seems fairly unlikely suddenly becomes eminently possible, so don't put those dreams on the curb just yet. The stars say that you're likely to get a thumbs-up very soon if you keep your eyes on the prize.

I wish I knew which goal! Abs of Steel? Or at least getting back into size 8 jeans? A great haircut? A bathing suit that doesn't make me want to cry? Meeting a man who isn't a) devoutly Republican or b) golf-obsessed? Finding a buyer for the house? Finding my favorite gold hoop earrings? Winning the lottery? Those are all on the List of Dreams. It's like when people say - and they say it all the time - that obviously I did not die because I was meant to do something here. I survived for a Reason. I wish to hell I woke up with the Reason safety-pinned to my hospital gown, because I have no effing clue what I am supposed to do with this Second Chance. I have no effing clue what prize I should keep my eyes on, and I need stronger reading glasses.

I'm afraid the goal will turn out to be the promotion I've been promised for, oh, about 8 months now, and I don't care about it anymore, but R, who is now my boss though he says he thinks of me as his peer in this adventure, is in there pitching to make me management. I'll take it if they give it to me, I'm already doing the job, I may as well get the title, but I'm not campaigning for it.

It is truly amazing how the stress and Drama has been drained out of our department with the departure of one of the Cupcakes. (The other Cupcake is also gone, but she skulked and backstabbed quietly.) I'm not the only one who feels it, R said the same thing. His goal as the new Supreme High Ruler is to create a balanced team of people who behave professionally and get along with each other, and get the work done. Like me, he has had enough Drama for a lifetime. It's just so nice to not have to worry about a spazzed-out skank suddenly charging into my office to rant at me about some perceived Great Crisis! The departmental flouncing, hair tossing and backstabbing is over, the toxic environment is gone, and my stress level is SO much better. And I did appreciate the outpouring of hugs and "Oh THANK GOD you're back!" so it's okay to be back. For now. I am glad to have a place to roost for the next few months, I will give the job my best effort because I always do, and I will also look at my long term best interest, because I always do.

3 comments:

Ginnie said...

I firmly believe that some of us have simple, quiet purposes. There are days when I truly believe my purpose is to me mom to my dogs. Other days, I am sure I am here to read the books other people write. But I have never felt like I had a Great Purpose, and I am good with that. I think my purpose, ultimately, is to live a decent honorable life and not be mean or nasty.
Perhaps you purpose is as simple, but no less important as, being a really good mom to your kids.
Whatever it is, or you hope it is, I wish you well.

geogrrl said...

It's like when people say - and they say it all the time - that obviously I did not die because I was meant to do something here. I survived for a Reason. I wish to hell I woke up with the Reason safety-pinned to my hospital gown, because I have no effing clue what I am supposed to do with this Second Chance. I have no effing clue what prize I should keep my eyes on, and I need stronger reading glasses.

Hon, I've been looking for that most of my life. I've always had a strong feeling that there was SOMETHING I was meant to be doing. And that feeling is outside of my usual absent-minded wondering what it is I've forgotten to do. I still haven't figured out my Reason.

Amie said...

Your wake up call was a literal smack upside the head. But we all have them - how many times did we narrowly miss a car accident, or have someone grab us before we run into the street? Uncountable, throughout our lives.

Unfortunately, we never get to know the reason. I think that's one of the things that's hard about PTSD and survivor's guilt. The "i'm supposed to be here for SOMETHING, but what if I muck it up?" fear. It's hard.