Tuesday, October 23, 2007

What was that I said?

Some happy crap about how I would go back to work with a bright, shiny attitude?

By 10 a.m. yesterday, my right eye was twitching. As expected, nothing happened while I was gone. Everything froze for a week, because I wasn't there. Meetings were rescheduled, because I wasn't there. Things didn't move forward, because I wasn't there. No, I can't do this. This doesn't make me feel needed, or invaluable, it just makes me feel tired, and burdened, and like these people couldn't take a shit without my input. I am prunes. Or toilet paper. Whatever I am, it's a shitty job. And the biggest joke of all, to me, is that I am tired and memory-impaired and my already short attention span is now like a gnat with ADD, and They Rely on Me. It's scary as hell, isn't it?

Another thing I can't do anymore - Pilates. Oh. My. God. I wanted to mix up my exercise (which in this case means do something besides sit and bitch, because I haven't been to the gym in two weeks). So I pulled out my favorite Pilates DVD this evening, the Gaiam one, the intro to Pilates with Ana Caban. And I have done it many times, and it took me about 30 seconds to realize that the changes in my body aren't my imagination. I ain't got no core no more. I cannot find it. I did see a beach ball sitting around my belly button, I think that is where my core used to be, no more than a year and a half ago. This menopause thing is a bitch. It's like my body is inflating and melting at the same time. Oh, and I can't make a leg circle, my legs now do this weird spasmodic thing that is so not a circle. But I will persevere, because I am not a quitter, except of shitty stupid jobs. I will keep up with the Pilates, and update the resume.

Oh, and my war with the HOA continues, I will share that when I have time to organize my hostility.

The yarn I ordered for the Debbie Bliss Diagonal Jacket finally arrived - as I'd guessed, it had to be ordered, because nobody has that much of a single dye lot in stock. After I finish Cousin C's scarf and Boy's socks I'll allow myself to cast on. It was 92 today, there ain't no rush. Damn.


ChelleC said...

Oh Catherine, I laughed so hard at your description of your workout routine. My leg doesn't make a real circle anymore either. Jeez - and my middle is hard to distinguish now too. It really IS this menopausal thing. It's so frustrating.

Bess said...

Well, the leg circle may be a brain thang, but the belly - yup yup - menopausal.

No matter how big I got, I had a flat belly - wide, just not very deep. At my near to worst, I had one of those whole fitness things done and the only muscles that were working at 100% were the abs. Upper body was somewhere around 18%.

and then Chemestry hit and ... tell me. why is it when you can no longer get pregnant, your belly looks like you are?

Well, let us all seek our cores, and may a job among grown-ups come along quickly.


Sue Woo said...

But hey! We're in between tampax and Depends! I say that's a great thing.

Catherine said...

I am not reliably in between Tampax and Depends yet. I have what I think of as Ambush Periods. Just when I start thinking I've seen the last of them, hello!

ikate said...

On the job front - I hear you loud and clear. I'm sitting here waiting for a written offer after a verbal one that came yesterday so I can tell my current employer to shove it. I am SO.SO.TIRED of the BS around here and I am dreaming of the day I resign. It involves a move to a new city, but it will be oh-so-much better!

Catherine said...

Yay for you and the new job! I am itching for a new city and a new job, it's like being covered in poison ivy. I realized that I would take a 1/3 pay cut if it meant a big improvement in quality of life. But first I have to ditch the house, which is the consumer of most of my income now. I can't afford a new job until I sell this place, and that's the truth.